Disconnect to Connect

Dear Bunco Queen,
I have been very busy at work lately and have had to make an extra effort to keep up with my friends on facebook and through texting.  A group of my friends is getting together next week for lunch to celebrate one of our friend's birthdays.  I would like to go, but I'm feeling super stressed and the hour (or so) could be a good time to run errands.   I feel like going would be the right thing to do, but I sent a birthday card and will write on her facebook page, is that enough???  I wish there were more hours in the day!
Lisa

Dear Lisa,
It sounds like you've got technology working overtime for you!  I get that you are time strapped and I'm betting sleep deprived too!  facebook, texting, voicemail etc are all wonderful tools, but tools don't keep you warm at night and certainly don't hug you on your birthday!  You seriously should go the lunch with your friends and show your friend that celebrating her birthday is personally important to you.  You don't say if she is a close friend, but an hour is not too much to give.  It's so easy to facebook and text and think that we are really connecting.  When someone is far enough away from you it's a great option.  We can all connect in a much more vibrant way that we ever did before.  It's wonderful!  It's also AWFUL if we use it as the only way to connect with those who are close to us and also live near us. Seeing your friends in person is meaningful to them, but it's also meaningful to you.  Since you are super stressed, connecting with friends is even more important for your own well being.  When you're time crunched, it seems like the last thing you should do, but it's actually one of the best things you can do.  When socializing with friends, even for an hour to celebrate a birthday, the conversation can go from great reads to zumba class, election results to botox (or lack thereof :)).  Disconnect from the blackberry birthday - sharing smiles, hugs, tears and laughter connects us with each other in a way that warms your heart!

Bunco Queen

Babysitting Blues

Dear Bunco Queen,

My 15 year old daughter, Tori, has been babysitting for a little over a year now.  Mostly, she babysits for people that we know very well.  She is very responsible, enjoys being around the kids, and this is quite a good little business for her too since the pay is generous.  The problem is one of my wife's good friends who lives a few miles away from us.  She and her husband want Tori to babysit.  Sounds great until...I tell you that she and her husband never met a martini they didn't love!  Boozebag 1 and Boozebag 2 don't feel the need to designate a driver when they go out.  Regardless of their evening plans, this couple always ends up drinking their way through the night from Blue Martinis to Vegas Lemon Drops. When they arrive home at 1:00am I don't want them driving drunk to bring my daughter home! We have been making excuses as to why Tori can't babysit, but my wife is feeling the pressure from Mrs. Boozebag!  Do we tell them the truth and risk harming the friendship?  My wife thinks that I am overreacting and by that time of the night the alcohol would have warn off and they are safe to drive. Am I being too overprotective?

Michael

Dear Michael,

You cannot let your daughter babysit for a couple of drunks, who don't believe in the designated driver system, if they are driving her home! This is not a situation we need to bat around and discuss how everyone is feeling.  You are not being overprotective.  Your wife is wrong.  Boozebag 1 and Boozebag 2 are wrong.  Good parents don't put their children in the car with people they know have been drinking.  Let's forget for a minute that Mr. and Mrs. Lemon Drop are most likely over the legal limit when they are driving and therefore, breaking the law.  You are asking me to put that little jewel of a fact aside and consider whether it's OK for you to put your daughter in the car with them??????!!!!!!!!

I know why this seems tricky.  This is your wife's friend and as you say, you don't want to damage the relationship.  But do you think that this couple would agonize for even a minute about whether or not to have one last drink since they know they are driving a child home? NO.  And that's how long you should agonize over whether or not to let them drive your daughter.  We get one shot at certain decisions.  They can't drive her home.  If you are able to go pick her up then she can babysit.  I assume that this is not a practical solution.  If you make excuses long enough they will probably stop asking Tori to babysit.  If you tell them the truth, it will cause some hurt feelings. As long as they don't drive your daughter around, you will have done your job.  

Ask yourself this - would I put my daughter in the car with two very nice strangers who have been drinking? Of course not!  Why does the answer change when you substitute "friends" for "strangers".  It doesn't.  The only thing that changes are your feelings.  I don't care if your wife feels awkward or uncomfortable or anything else.  The important thing is coming to the right conclusion.  How you do this is up to you and your wife; you have options.  That you do this is not an option.

Bunco Queen

Not Without My Girlfriends!

Dear Bunco Queen,
I am married to a mostly wonderful man and we have a 13 year old son.  The problem is that when I go out of town occasionally to visit friends, my husband does not "step up" to the plate with his parenting responsibilities.  Once my husband even called me on a Saturday afternoon while I was away, to ask me where our son was!  I only go away 2 weekends a year to see my old college friends.  I worry that my son will be wandering the neighborhood for the weekend like a lost puppy in search of shelter and a warm meal.  Not really- but do you get the idea?  Please help. 

Kim

Dear Kim,
You are not alone!  Many moms sometimes feel this way.  Always remember that you can rely on your girlfriends.  We are there for each other even when no one else is.  Check out this email that one clever mom sent to her neighborhood girlfriends about her husband and 14 year old son just before heading away for the weekend.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.  The email subject line was "WARNING".  The reply emails were overwhelmingly supportive...as our girlfriends always are!

Bunco Queen

Hi Ladies:

Just wanted to let you know that I am going to be out of town this weekend and my husband is going to be in charge of Tyler.  Just so you know:  Kevin does not ask where Tyler is going or when he will be home, will not ask who he is going with, will leave him here alone with friends and will not tell Tyler where he has gone or if he has gone, will not supervise when he is here,  will go to bed when he is ready and not make sure that Tyler is secure in the house, will not take or pick up Tyler or his friends anywhere especially if it interferes with his vodka time, will not feed Tyler or any of his friends,  will not make Tyler shower (so he might stink if you see him and he will be wearing the same clothes all weekend)    You get the picture.  So I apologize in advance if Tyler ends up at your house and does not leave all weekend.  No one will call to tell him to come home so please send him on his way if need be.    Thanks!  Kathy
In case of emergency, call my cell:  222-8888     : )

Carpool Hell

Dear Bunco Queen,

I have been part of a school carpool for the past year.  My girls are 9 and 6 and we carpool with the family next door, who also has girls the same ages.  At first everything was going great, but for the past couple of months the two neighbor girls have been saying mean things to my kids during the drive and also refusing to sit next to my 6 year old when they get in the car in the morning.  To make it worse, the parents bring their children to the car in the morning and see the refusal to sit next to my daughter AND they don't say anything to their kids! I am afraid to say anything to the kids directly and if I say something to my neighbors I think they will get defensive.  I thought this would pass with a little time. We don't socialize together, but we see each other all the time since they live next door and our kids go to the same school.  I feel trapped. Help!

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

YOU ARE THE ADULT IN THE CAR! Seriously, it's time to say something to the angel girls who live next door.  Anyone can have a bad day and you don't need to be rescuing your kids every time someone makes an insensitive comment, but come on!  This needs to stop.  Next time your neighbor girls get in the car and refuse to sit next to your daughter you need to say something to their mom or dad and them about how that is not nice.  And when you hear the first "not so nice" comment from the girls you need to speak up and say to the whole car that we need to be nice to each other.  Explain how these are the rules of your car and that if someone wants to say something mean they need to just stay quiet.  Too many times parents don't know how their kids act around others.  Unfortunately for you, your neighbors have seen their angels in action and are not putting a stop to it.  The truth is that makes the situation more uncomfortable.  You are responsible for the social climate of the car when you are driving the kids.  It's past time for you to speak up.  Be polite, but firm.  If the angels don't like it they will probably tell mom and dad.  At that time, you can let the parents know what has been going on and that you tried to point it out to the girls.  If they are clueless, they will get mad.  If they have any sense they will help you straighten things out.  Be prepared to break up the carpool if the angels refuse to act appropriately or if their parents become defensive.  It's better to break up the carpool than drive your kids around allowing a toxic drive to school- what a way to start the day.  They deserve better.

Bunco Queen